Smile

Hi guys, sorry for the lack of posts and interaction over the last week or so but I’ve been so worried my depression might be making a return.

I’d started to become really anxious every time I even thought about adding to my blog. I think I was scared about what might come out so I just hoped the feeling would pass, at the same time I feel so guilty and angry about what I’ve allowed myself to become.

I know the physical changes like my weight gain can be overcome with willpower and determination (just got to find some of those) and I’ve finally got my hair back to the silken blonde it used to be( before the curly henna Ronald McDonald episode)!

Mum had a word with the dentist last week and he’s agreed to see me again after a couple of years of neglect on my side (shame and finance playing an equal part)

I’ve had a few terrible dentists (so I know this one is great) but I’d blocked the surgery number to avoid having to go, and the thought of showing him my decaying teeth makes me feel so anxious, so I have to keep telling myself it will be worth it, just to be able to smile again without feeling self-conscious.

I’ve read self neglect and self sabotage are a common stage of depression, now I worry that I won’t be able to shake myself completely out of it for long enough to make a difference.

I originally took Sertaline tablets for the 6 months recommended by my GP then feeling loads better, I eventually stopped them altogether, for the last six months I’ve been medication free. Now I’m thinking maybe I was a bit hasty in trying to prove myself cured!

I also keep getting this internal dialogue that my concerns and advice are easily dismissed because I’m a proven flake. Why would anyone take my advice or put their trust in me, when I can’t even run my own life without screwing up?

It’s hard to put everything into words but I really feel like an ongoing mess!