The once blank canvas comes alive, with a picture showing a group of five
I’ve tried all night to write some verse
But the thoughts never came
Though I tried to rehearse
Scenarios running through my mind
Tiny thoughts that scattered blind
Cos all I can think of is going to bed
Snuggling up and getting some Zeds
And would you believe it now that I’m here
Lids hanging heavy and vision all bleared
Instead of the slumber I held in delight
I’m sat writing poems long into the night
When I’m dying to close my weary eyes
Another line comes, Oh what a surprise…
And I’ve nothing to say that makes any sense
I could just stop, give up the pretence
Get back out of bed and sit in the dark
Pray inspiration will soon make its mark…
And leave in its wake
A sense of achievement. A mind so empty
A body in agreement
That drifts away to a dreamless sleep
To lay there until the daybreak shall peep
What is the chance that this may be
My bedtime story?
The story of me!
Have you ever had such a terrible time or situation that you wish it were happening to somebody else? or that you could sleep through it and everything would be okay when you awoke?
Well that’s what happened to me. The last eighteen months have been challenging to say the least with serious family illness, hospital admissions for my loved ones, a difficult work situation that ultimately ended up in my resignation and a near breakdown that saw me prescribed medication to cope better with my lot, as my doctor said “who can you help, if you yourself are broken?
Well, we all survived and are thriving, my Mother is almost back to normal post cancer treatment, minus three stone that she has always wanted to lose, She has a whole new wardrobe of pretty outfits now and is building up her strength slowly to get out and about more to wear them.
Mcfee is still working and managing to keep a roof over our heads despite his disability. He has been a fantastic support and I don’t know how I’d of managed without him to turn to.
I’ve come off my Sertaline tablets and almost three months off them I feel more like myself, I took them religiously at first, same time of day every day, for months then slowly I began to resent them, I felt like an important part of me had disappeared and I blamed the tablets, so I started to vary the times I took them and I soon started to feel dizzy and sick and a bit panicky and to be honest that’s when I realised how good they were, but I still wanted to get them out of my system.
During the time I was taking my meds, I changed so much of myself (whether it was deliberate or not I’m still unsure) My weight ballooned to start with, I had an urge to perm my straight blond hair, then I put a red henna rinse on it, when I looked in the mirror I just didn’t recognise myself anymore and It seemed fitting as truly nothing was the same anymore!
Now I’m antidepressant free, am I depressed? NO…
I still have the challenges and the uncertainty that I had before, and I get upset easily by things that I see on the news but who doesn’t?
I’ve put some bleach back in my hair (it didn’t turn green… Phew!!!) and I feel lighter, I feel like the old me is slowly returning.
I’m eternally grateful to the fat girl with the fuzzy Orange hair for taking those steps along side me during a really difficult journey but its time to wave goodbye now, maybe we will share a path again one day in the future but for now farewell Colleen…
lots of love Cate-Jayne xx